America, we had some good times together, right? So now you know me.
Even with the television show, I'm still Bernie Mac.
I still say the things you wanna say, but you can't.
And I'm not sayin' it's easy. See, every week somebody's in my face talkin' about...
"Bernie Mac, you can't say this. Bernie Mac, you can't say that."
I told you television was not gonna change me, and it hasn't.
I still say what I want. Ya hear me?
Well, I'm still not sure what the problem is. Is Bryana hurt?
Oh, something she said?
Well, what did she say?
You don't wanna discuss it over the phone?
Okay, I'm on my way.
What did baby girl say?
[Sighs] I thought in the time it would take you to get here...
I would have the courage to repeat it.
- But, um... - You can't say it.
Mm-mmm. No.
- Well, can you write it down? - I already did.
Baby girl said this?
What I cannot understand, Mr. Mac, is where she could have heard it.
I mean, who would have said such an ugly, hateful, angry thing?
- Hey, baby. - Mm-hmm?
The phone bill kinda high this month.
Look at that.
Vanessa was doing good in school, so I let her call some friends.
- Nessa? - Mm-hmm.
You still gotta watch her, baby. She already think we're rich.
Well, compared to where she's from.
Yeah, but she thinks we're all country club rich, old money rich.
Shoot, we just nigga rich.
- [Beeping] - What?
Look at that.
I don't mean to talk out of turn...
but, uh, we here at Wellington...
don't consider this to be, um, appropriate language.
You know, I agree. And I'm gonna talk to baby girl.
And I guarantee you she will never use that word again.
- Well, that's great. But, Mr. Mac? - You're welcome.
- Yes? - Don't mean to talk out of turn again...
but I'm not sure...
that it's appropriate for anyone to say.
- Well, it's... - Look.
- I don't mean to overstep. - No, no, no, step.
- Maybe I'm not in a position to say. - No, you're in position.
- But if I'm speaking out of turn. - No, it's your turn. Speak.
But isn't this such an ugly...
hateful, angry word?
You know, let me explain.
I'm not quite sure I really know how to explain...
but when I was growing up...
we used this word in many different ways.
And we didn't really mean anything by it.
For example, if someone did something ridiculous...
- we would say, " Look at that crazy... - Oh.
Or if a brother was real tough...
- we would say, "That's one bad..." - Mm-hmm.
You know, or if a cat smelled real bad...
we'll say, "Old stinkin'- -"
Okay, thank you, Mr. Mac. I understand your point.
Now, hold up, America. See, Bernie Mac is not condoning the use of this word.
I'm just tryin' to explain to her how I used it in the past.
And I'm quite sure some of you...
well, that's all right, Bernie Mac ain't mad at you...
but anyway, have used it too.
See, I'm just being truthful. So before y'áll start casting stones...
let's move on.
Let me show... Y'áll don't need to see everything.
You don't need to know everything.
She said, "n..."
I couldn't do nothin'.
Every time I try to do something, everybody watchin' me and everything.
- I ain't got no privacy. - I understand, baby.
But we should watch what we say in front of Bryana though.
Honestly, sweetheart, I didn't know she was over there.
I wasn't tryin' to hurt nobody. She over there eavesdropping.
Honey, I think it's more than that.
When it was just you and me in the house, there were certain things we could do...
certain things that we could say.
And now we have a house full of kids.
- We're role models now. - Role models?
Role model? [Chuckles]
I'm already a role model. Oh, come on, America.
Y'áll see me every week. I feed those kids. I keep 'em in line.
I put a roof over their head. And you gonna tell me I'm not a role model?
Please. Now granted, sometimes my methods are a little coarse...
but I don't have any outside kids, you know what I'm sayin'?
Now, see, Bernie Mac, he's one of those...
Uncle Bernie, did I say something bad?
Come here, baby girl.
You know, I said something bad.
And I shouldn't have said it with my big mouth.
- And I don't ever want you to say it again. Okay? - Okay.
- Uncle Bernie? - Hmm?
Are you gonna say it anymore?
I'm gonna try my best not to.
- And I want you to pray for your Uncle Bernie. Okay? - Okay.
Now, do me a favor. I want you to go in the kitchen...
and pour yourself some chocolate milk, and I'm gonna come in and we're gonna have some together.
- Okay? - Okay.
Hey, I love you.
You didn't say nothin' back.
There you have it, America.
I guess Bernie Mac can't say whatever he want.
All right, I learned my lesson. End of story.
Sorry, America, I guess it's a short one tonight.
And I don't think I need to tie up any loose ends. You know what I mean?
So, what could I possibly say right now? What could be said?
[Bernie] Come on, Mr. Cooley. What do you mean we got a problem?
- No, I said potential problem. - Potential problem?
Well, Mr. Mac, the teacher doesn't wanna talk out of turn...
but she's concerned about your choice of words around the children.
- They seem hostile to her. - Hostile?
Cooley, I didn't say nothin' hostile to those kids.
- Well, weren't you angry about a phone bill? - Yeah, I was angry.
I mean, I wasn't angry when I said...
Um, I know she told you what I said.
Well, once again, she didn't want to talk out of turn.
For somebody who don't wanna talk out of turn, she sure is bumping her gums.
- Mr. Mac. - Now, come on, Cooley. You known me for a while now.
I'm a good person. I do good by those kids, man.
You know, and I-I-I mean, to some other kids I'd probably be a role model.
I'm not gonna file a report. This was obviously a misunderstanding.
All right, fine. That's what I'm talkin' about. So, we cool then, right?
Just one word of advice. I know her kind.
- She's one of those touchy-feely, Berkeley types. - Uh-huh.
Just be extra careful what you say around her, especially in anger.
Oh, come on now, Cooley. Come on.
Then you won't have to have somebody like me coming around and wasting your time.
- I'm gonna go play. - No, you don't.
- You gonna sit and you gonna wait on your sister. - Come on, Uncle Bernie.
Jordan, I said sit there and wait on your sister. That's what I mean.
- Do you wanna race? - No, I don't wanna race.
I just wanna sit right here and wait on your sister.
- There she is. - [Car Door Bangs]
Jordan! No, you don't.
You better not have put a dent in my car. I swear.
Let there be a dent. I'm gonna put your hand in the door and smash it.
Every time I try to tell you somethin'- - Ah, Jordan!
What's wrong with you? Are you blind?
Huh? What I gotta do to put some sense in your head, Jordan?
Beat you in the head with a dictionary? It ain't gonna do no good.
'Cause you ain't gonna see it comin' with those big, thick pop bottle glasses you got on.
Jordan, I swear, you make me so doggone angry, I just wanna wring your neck...
you stupid little beetle.
- Hi, Uncle Bernie. - Stupid little beetle?
Oh, Lord.
Hi.
- The boy dented my car, Cooley. - I'm not saying that you're not justified.
- Well, what you sayin' then? - I get peeved myself.
- You're not a bad man. It's just the words you chose. - Aw, Cooley.
Look, it's not like I'm here to take away the kids.
You know what, Cooley? That's not a bad idea.
That's the solution. You need to take away the kids. I'm a bad man, Cooley.
Okay, Mr. Mac, if I thought you were serious, I'd be worried.
But I know that your heart's in the right place, okay?
- Okay, man, that's it. - Well, not quite.
I'm gonna have to visit you periodically over the next week for observation.
- What? - Just to make sure this isn't a hostile environment.
See, Cooley, there you go again with that doggone word "hostile."
- What do you mean by hostile? - Well, it's just standard procedure.
Aw, Cooley. You...
Mr. Mac, this is nothing to be overly concerned about.
Just watch your words.
Watch my words? Come on, America!
How am I supposed to watch my words?
What the hell is this?
[Whimpers] Let's move on.
What?
Did you remember to sign my permission slip for the Covina meet?
- You do your homework? - Yeah.
- All of it? Your math? - Yeah.
Well, Nessa, if you did your homework...
you'd know that your permission slip is inside your math book.
Nessa, you just lied to me. Just for that you spend two days in your room.
Two days? That's not fair.
You're right. Let's make it three.
Two plus one is three. You'd know that if you did your math.
- But... - But nothin'. W hat you mean, "but?"
You keep on talkin', you gonna get a life sentence. You'll never see the sun.
Now go to your room, Nessa.
You little liar.
Baby girl, come on. Put some clothes on.
- But I'm Beach Barbie. - Baby... Baby girl.
Look, look.
It's too cold for you to wear that. You're gonna mess around, you're gonna get sick.
But Beach Barbie wears a bikini.
But Beach Barbie can't catch a cold, baby.
- [Whimpers] - Okay.
You wanna wear that? You'll catch the flu.
And if you catch the flu and start throwin' up, I'm not gonna do nothin'.
And if you start throwin' up, I'm gonna make you lie in it.
- Now, you wanna do that? - No.
- Baby girl, could you please put on some clothes? - Okay.
Thank you.
Now, that's good parenting.
Jordan, put that ice cream up. You're about to eat dinner in a few minutes.
- But I'm hungry now. - I didn't ask you that. I said put it up.
Come on, Uncle Bernie.
If I tell you again, you're gonna be holding the carton to the lump I put on your head.
- Put it up! - Aww.
- What's that you're writin', Jordan? - Nothing.
Let me see. Move.
"State of California, Department of Social Services." What the hell is this?
- That's a standard social services form. - For what?
Sometimes in our passionate expressiveness...
we can be careless with the words we choose.
This is just a little exercise to help us with our awareness.
- It's an awareness exercise. - Oh, Cooley, I'm aware.
I'm aware I got a couple of stool pigeons tryin' to sell me down the doggone river, Cooley!
No, Mr. Mac, they'rejust writing down your words.
Ah, for instance, Vanessa said here...
that you would lock her in her room and she would never see the sun?
Uh-uh. Now, Cooley, that was taken out of context.
Not seeing the sun in any context is harsh.
- Let's move on. - Okay.
Jordan said he'd have to hold ice cream to the lump you gave him on his head.
No, no, no, I'm not goin' down for that. I was referring to the ice cream.
Well, a lump on a child's head is hostile.
What... What you suggest I say?
Knot? Bump? Contusion?
I'm just sayin' that a head injury to a child is inappropriate.
Aw! That's bull!
Can you believe this? They got the kids "diming" on me.
All right. Cool.
Let them twist Bernie Mac's words to sound like they're angry or hostile.
I tell you what I'm gonna do, America.
I'm gonna slap the taste out of their mouths. That's right. I can see 'em now.
"Uncle Bernie, I can't taste my breakfast."
That's because Uncle Bernie slapped the taste out your mouth.
Did I go too far?
Stool pigeons, rats, tricks.
"How would you like a four-knuckle tattoo"?
No, no, no, no. Now, hold on, Cooley.
I never said nothin'- -
[Clears Throat] Let's move on.
"Jump down your throat and stomp on your liver"?
Cooley, hold on. You know that's not even physically possible.
"Nanny, nanny, boo-boo. Stick your head in doo-doo"?
What? That's good, right? [Chuckles]
"I'm going shopping for a tiny pink coffin"?
Look here. I was talkin' about the little Barbie doll.
Ain't no way in heck I was talkin' about little baby girl like that. Come on.
You know I wouldn't say nothin' like that. Cooley, I swear! Come on.
I can't even... But I won't...
See, that's... I can't say...
All right, fine.
Fine. I ain't sayin' nothin'.
- [Bryana] No, you don't! - [Jordan] Yes, I do!
Be quiet! Little baby, be quiet!
- [Bryana] Stupidjerk! - Shut up! Cut it out!
- Leave me alone! You always get your way! - No, I don't!
- Yes, you do! - No, I don't!
- Yes, you do, little baby! - No, I don't!
Yes, you do, ugly baby!
So... So, what happened?
Yo, all kinds of stuff.
You know, she had this little paddle.
Wanted me to act like a "naughty boy."
And, yo, this girl was fine too, man.
- I'd take a spanking from her. - Would you?
Would you take one now? Give me all the chips, baby. All the chips.
Yes, sir.
Hey, I took five dollars off your dresser for nail polish.
Okay. [Chuckling]
- Hey, man? - Huh?
- You all right? - Yeah.
- Yeah, I'm fine. - I think she said she took your money, man.
- I heard her. - Yo, yo, yo, man.
You want me to handle up on this?
Look, fellas, I'm fine. Come on. I thought we were gonna play cards.
- Okay, I'll deal then. - Well, then just deal the cards.
Bernie, you sure you're all right, man?
I'm fine. You all right? When the last time you had a physical?
- Uh, six months ago. - You check your hearing?
I said I'm fine. You fine?
- Deal the damn cards. Doggone, man, I'm fine. - All right.
Damn, let's play some cards.
Oh, Chewy Bears.
- Eew! I hate those. - Hey!
Jordan, baby girl, stop it, please.
What you lookin' at?
Did I say anything to you when you picked about, what, 15, 16, items?
Don't turn your back on me when I'm talkin' to you. You the one who started it.
Yeah, you better walk away. Go on, walk away and judge somebody else's kids.
That's right. What everybody lookin' at?
I'm tired of everybody all in my business.
America, you know what need to be done. I can't do nothin'.
My hands tied. Look. They took that away from me.
America, I am truly sorry about that.
I just couldn't hold it in.
I shouldn't have taken it out on her.
If any one of you all know her out there, please tell her that Bernie Mac is sorry.
Please. I know better than that.
I was brought up better than that. Big Mama gave me home...
I was just acting like I drink or somethin'- - I don't... Ignorant.
[Groans]
[Exhales Sharply]
- Wanda! - What's wrong, baby?
Come here! Doggone shoes.
- Bernie, are you all right? - No, I ain't all right.
I almost broke my neck 'cause you got a million pairs of shoes up in here.
Why you got so many shoes? You only got two feet.
- Bernie, I'm not gonna argue with you about these shoes. - I'm not arguing, Wanda.
I'm just telling you how I feel.
What's going on?
Wanda, I can't take it. I swear, I can't take it.
I keep biting my tongue around these kids, I'm gonna pop. I'm gonna lose it.
I can't be myself. I can't be Bernie Mac.
And if I can't be Bernie Mac, this is how it's gonna come out.
Somebody gotta pay the price, and you all I got.
Can you hold me, baby?
[Kisses Cheek]
- I'm pitiful, Wanda. - That's okay, baby.
And Jordan says you gave him a threatening look.
But you know what? I'm not gonna put that down.
And Vanessa says that you mumbled something incoherently.
That's not a big deal. So it seems like things have gotten a lot better.
Yeah, Uncle Bernie's been on excellent behavior.
His word choice has been phenomenal. I learned that.
[Laughing]
Yeah, he's much more pleasant to be around.
That's great. Okay. Mr. Mac, you have anything to add?
- Nothing? - For what, Cooley?
Anything I say gonna get twisted around, and you're gonna write it down in that little pad.
Actually, no. Anything that's said within this meeting...
is between us and goes no further.
- It's completely confidential. - Completely confidential?
- Like an attorney-client privilege. - Really?
- Yes. - So I can, uh, say anything I want, right?
As long as it's within the context of this meeting.
So I can talk about grabbing somebody by the ponytail...
shaking their head till they're damn near dizzy, till water start pouring out of their eyes.
You know what I mean, Nessa? I can talk about that?
And you, Jordan, you know doggone well you're not supposed to throw no candy.
Matter of fact, you're not supposed to throw anything.
I should've put a dent in your head the same way you dented my car.
It's all right for me to do that, Cooley? And you, baby girl.
Yeah, you just too cute. That's the only way you get away with it.
But that's not gonna last. Usually last till you around six.
What are you, five and three-quarters? Yeah.
Then you'll be right along with them. You know what?
When you get with them... Pow! I'm gonna slap all three of y'áll.
I feel so much better, Cooley.
[Chuckles]
See, the beauty of it, you all ain't had the real Bernie Mac two-piece. Pow, pow!
See, you ain't gonna see the second one 'cause the first one better knock you out.
Mr. Mac! I can no longer be a party to this abusive tirade.
Now, come on, Cooley. I can't keep watching what I say in front of these kids.
It's gonna come out like this. You leave me no other choice.
Jordan, you got one more time to sit at that breakfast table...
and chew your food with your mouth open breathing through your nose.
I'm gonna give you a jab in the breadbasket I declare that'll clear up your sinuses.
- Oh, Mr. Mac. - No, you not there, Cooley. You don't see him every morning.
This has got to stop. This has been going on for over an hour.
Look here, Cooley. I'm just starting to enjoy myself.
- What did I ask you, you gonna come tomorrow? - I wasn't planning to.
Well, come on. Kids, don't you wanna see Brad Cooley tomorrow? Say, yeah.
Please, Mr. Cooley, make him stop.
Very good, Mr. Mac. Very good.
Bernie Mac is back, baby. I can say what I want again.
Well, for the most part. But you know what I'm talking about.
Life is good, America. Life is good.
These kids, taking me through all that. They're just a pain in the ass.
That's what they are, America, just a pain in the ass.
Y'áll got kids. You know.
I just deal with mine up front.
I don't go behind the curtain. You know, just a pain in the ass.
You know there's a kid around... When your booty start hurtin', a kid around.
A kid is close. " Oh, my booty hurt. So, my kid somewhere."
"Ow!" It's children.
Bryana, what did you just say Billy was?
I said Billy was a pain in the...
Ass?
I understand, baby. We should watch what we say in front of Bryana though.
Honestly, baby, I didn't know she was over there.
I didn't mean nothin' by it. She over there eavesdropping.
Honey, I think it's more than that.
When it was just you and me in the house...
certain things we could do, certain things we could say.
But we have a house full of kids where...
[Water Spurting]
- [People Laughing] - [Man] Cut!
Did you pay the bill?